eclipse after a birthday

I’ve been learning about myself. That’s all I ever seem to do.

The sky rumbles and planets crash into each other and you think, is this really going to affect me this time? And then you’re awake at 3 AM in a panic over how invisible you are. But you’re not.

I get lost in my own head. A personality test revealed this even though it is so obvious. I get lost but it doesn’t feel lost. It feels like reality. That’s the danger of it.

So many stories to tell you, sweet one. It was my birthday and I didn’t tell anyone. Bought myself a cake and threw most of it in the trash (sorry).

When your tendency is to lose yourself in your own thinking, a solution is to make contact with other people. This can feel awkward and anxiety-inducing in its own right. And that’s ironic. But it’s still what you should do.

So on Friday I did that. My friend is a songwriter and he was having a show. He hadn’t performed in 3 years. So I thought yes, I will go to this and pretend to be the cool girl whose friend is the lead singer. Even though the idea gives me nervous stomach.

Sometimes you step out of what’s comfortable and everything feels weird. Other times you do that and you find a seat, the venue is cozy, and your friend plays music that hits the exact soothing spot you needed. Then you hug him after the show and he asks if he looked nervous.

I’m so good at telling myself stories that sometimes I paralyze myself.

New moon intents in sweet sweet delicious Taurus

It’s a new moon. I usually don’t set intentions for these, but it’s in Taurus, which is my sign, so why not start here. This is a time for starting magic. So come with me while I figure things out.

According to my astrology bible, the moon is exalted when it’s in Taurus, stronger than it would be otherwise. Productive, giving, generative. There’s a need for stable, reliable comforts. Sensual pleasures. Building in areas that bring a sense of security. So that projects can be conceived and birthed.

Hm. Okay. Brilliant.

In the next two weeks, I want to turn my home into a zen palace. I want to make it into the most serene, nurturing, healing spot I possibly can. Candles, crystals, plants, pillows, a bed that comforts and heals, a space that inspires.

And in that inspiring space, I want to start writing again. Starting with a monologue. Write a little every day. Build that muscle back up. It doesn’t have to hurt or be hard. Fill your cup until it overflows out onto a page. And then another page. And then pages.

Brilliant!

11:32

This is the last half hour before my birthday. And the last night of my 20’s. They were a fun, scary, exciting, wonderful, stressful decade.

I was repressed for a lot of it. And free and expressive for a lot of it. I would like to continue in the latter direction moving into this next decade. 

There was a lot of wonderful time and love with friends. I want to continue with that, and find ways to do nice things for the people I love.

There was a lot of discovery with sex. Losing virginity and exploring and sometimes getting scared and hurt. And sometimes feeling so, so good. I’d like to continue the latter, the pleasure.

My favorite podcast tells me it’s Mercury retrograde in Taurus and Venus. Abundance. Love. Self esteem. I want to open myself up and be my best self finally.

There was a lot of trying new, scary, incredible ventures. Kicking off a writing career. Performing. Living where I wanted to live.

There tends to be a fear when someone moves into a new decade. I do not feel fear. For three weeks I’ve been in pain that made me want to die. Or self destruct. I don’t feel that anymore. It’s a new moon. It’s time for a new beginning and new love.