Bonjour, I have Covid.

Wow what a wild and fun time to be alive.

Am I even allowed to write that? Is someone going to censor me for saying that? I’ve had my shots. But this new one is really contagious so I got it. I also had it right when this whole thing started. That first time was a lot scarier. This time I mostly just kind of feel like I’m high.

Earlier I was meandering around my apartment and tidying up. Because if I don’t, no one else is going to. While I was tidying up, I was dancing a little. Even though I was a little dizzy.

But then it hit me how strange it was that *no one* could come into this space and see me right now. How this silly and innocuous little scene was completely closed off from the rest of world (and honestly, it would have been anyway). But now I was officially Sick. So it was closed off for the sake of public safety, not just privacy. That made it feel a little heavier.

I took two tests and both of them had two angry red lines, pretty much instantly. I thought about making a joke that woops, I’d accidentally bought a pregnancy test instead. But I didn’t.

It hasn’t really been all that dramatic. My parents sent me comfort food groceries and I have been playing video games and watching TV all day. I feel loopy and feverish but I’m okay. It’s hot as fuck outside and everything is so weird but I am okay. I feel tired and wired but also okay.

Because here is where we put all the gross things.

Two nights ago, I wrote down a bunch of things I wanted to let go. It’s usually a full moon ritual, but the moon was jaw-droppingly stunning a day early. So I filled a notebook page of what I wanted to purge.

That same night, I woke up at 1 am and barfed. Food poisoning helped my body take the exercise literally. How nice.

That was the climax of several hours of pain as whatever toxin coursed through me. Then it was gone. Out. Exited. I was depleted and exhausted. But it had left and I could start over.

So I passed out until sunrise.

The morning was beautiful.


it’s too much

Last night, Boyfriend’s father had a heart attack. Doctors are saying he’s going to be okay but that he’s also “very sick.” In the middle of the night he needed an emergency resuscitation.

Boyfriend took a plane in the middle of the night to Oklahoma to be with his dad. He won’t be back until the middle of the night on Sunday.

I tried to do something- anything. Just held his hand and played with his hair. And he said it was too much. I told him he didn’t need to push me away, that I wanted to be there for him. He said he didn’t want to have another fight. So I pulled away and lay on my side. He wrapped his arms around me from behind.

I cried so much, had all the feelings he didn’t want to. Everything just flooded out. I feel like the earth and the floor of my stomach are collapsing.

Happy Valentine’s Day.


Going Through It

Today brought a one-two punch to the gut. On top of being out sick for 2 days.

I found a four-year-old rejection letter I had never seen before. Through the magic of Google. The editor actually started it with compliments. Called it engaging. But then said it was cold and clinical and didn’t make him feel things. Like it was a technical exercise.

All the parts were there except the human heart.

That stung.

Then later in the day I got rejected from a musical my friend’s community theater was doing. That stung a little differently. Coming from a friend instead of a stranger.

Tonight, the last wanted to know what was making me sad. I wanted to tell her but was scared of saying too much. Eventually told her anyway. She understood completely. Had feelings like that herself, called them “the bog.”

We made plans to see a movie tomorrow. I still feel that heavy sadness, but it’s on the upswing. Tomorrow will be better. I will get up and go to work and hold her hand in a movie theater. Mmm.