she’s on a train

CW: mentions of eating disorders

On a train going all the way across Pennsylvania. It’s long but I like it so much more than flying. For 8 hours you can just look out the window, stare at trees and water, and space out while you listen to music or podcasts or a book.

Was just listening to a podcast interview with an eating disorder therapist. There were several moments that made me unexpectedly tear up, but she had a particularly fascinating point near the end.

She said anorexia is incredibly selfish, and she didn’t mean that word with any kind of judgment. It was literal. You are constantly thinking about yourself, about what you need to put in yourself or do to yourself to burn what you put into it. And your starved brain has no bandwidth to think beyond that. It’s desperately working on fueling and thinning itself. There’s no room left to see outside itself or pray or connect to the universe. It can’t meditate on anything when it’s starved like that.

It hit pretty deep.

As soon as I get back to the city I’m going to spend the rest of the weekend with a friend. He loves to cook elaborate meals and never lets me help. And obviously the meals are absolutely beautiful but I feel uncomfortable having someone do something like that all the time. He loves to “plan the menu” without telling me. It’s always delicious. But I don’t like the feeling of being spoiled like that. My brain spirals to try and do something to make up for him making dinner. It never comes up with anything good. Just paying for his dinner next time.

I know I’m literally complaining about someone making a beautiful lavish meal for me. I know that sounds selfish and insane. And I know that right after I listened to that eating disorder podcast, he texted that he was buying pasta and my stomach dropped. I was feeling gross and resentful about something that hadn’t even happened yet.

So I was listening to *another* podcast earlier today where I heard the phrase “wherever you are is your assignment right now.” Whether you like it or not. If you truly enrich yourself in it and ask how you can show up and serve, if you fully engage in it, you’ll graduate.

Weird feelings about pasta are an unexpected assignment but here we are. Hello how can I show up.

There it is again

It’s springtime and everyone wants to do things. Work and friends and the French boy and family, everything seems to be asking for all the time, all at once. 

I’m fighting to try and hide away. And I’m trying not to beat myself up for feeling overwhelmed and anxious and like I want to disappear. But it seems like a very selfish desire. But also one that, if honored, will keep me going.
I’ve also been intensely inspired by some wonderful people who make things. I want to create like David Byrne and Donald Barthelme and good old critical voice threatens me with things that aren’t true. That I shouldn’t try. That there’s no point.
But there is. And I should. And so should you.
And I feel so close to finally finishing a skeleton of a first draft for that sex story I’m posting here. After that, who knows what I can do, and what I can try that I haven’t before.
So yes.