When I was in Hawaii I bought a little golden ring with a turtle on it. I wanted to have a symbol to carry with me and remember how magical that place is.
I’ve been back in the city for about 3 weeks, and I’ve been wearing my ring on dates – not really thinking anything of it until I find myself in… a compromising position.
Even though it spends most of its time in a box, let’s just say that turtle has witnessed some stuff.
“Oh my, never seen this person before. He looks… angry?”
“Why do they look like they want to eat you?”
“You’re squishing me.”
“Is he… is that… well and now we are tied to a bed.”
“Oh he seems like a nice boy. Aw you’re having some ramen and laughing, that’s nice too. Wow what a nice apartment. Oh that’s…. Oh. Oh my.”
“There’s a mirror by his bed! I can see myself! I can also see……. Oh my!”
My gut reaction is to apologize to this turtle. But that feels like I am slut shaming myself. Also this turtle is an inanimate object.
And also, maybe this turtle is having fun! Maybe it’s like being on a rollercoaster! People scream in a fun way on those too.
Got exceptionally high last night.
Wasn’t even expecting to. Didn’t think it was possible to go to a store and buy gummies that could do that. But a beautiful loophole has been discovered and now it is.
I ate one and cooked dinner and everything was fine, and then one hour later, BAM. I was grinning into space, making up little songs to make myself laugh. Dizzy like my body was tripping over itself.
I laid down and listened to a livestream about the new moon in Libra, all while my body felt like it was losing its edges and dissolving into energy. It felt wonderful and intense and like something I couldn’t stop.
Everything seemed to come up in this state. At one point I woke up in the darkness with loneliness and anxiety screaming at me. I’ve never known a lonelier city than the one I live in right now. It’s hard to remember that the lonelies I feel are not necessarily my own. That doesn’t make them feel any less heavy. I guess they are looking for someone to feel them.
When they pair up with anxiety, they make a dynamic duo. Anxiety over age and not being conventional, the classic “what the hell are you doing with your life” that only seems to be backed up by the lonely feelings.
Dissolve into energy and giggles and then wake up to the cold stare of your shadow. The new moon is activating my shadow side so I guess this makes sense. Shadow, meet softness.
On a subway home. Not even that tipsy. You’d think I would be.
People in masks everywhere. Seeing people from my old job for the first time since this all started.
A friend who used to recommend plays she’d seen. A year and a half went by and now she has another play rec. I could’ve cried. And somehow none of it feels any different. But all of it is.
What are we supposed to do with all of this. Is it really just a matter of moving forward with things like they were before. I don’t think it is.
But it’s not about being afraid either. It’s figuring out the movement that makes sense for yourself. It’s learning to ground and get clear and hear yourself. Listen to that quiet voice in your head that knows exactly what it needs.
It’s learning how to alchemize the hard emotions. The anger and fear and loneliness. Thoughts that you know are insane even as they speed by and light up anxiety in your stomach.
Feel them all. Deeply and intimately. That’s what’s recommended. Stare at them even though it hurts. Even though it makes you feel like a gross monster. That feeling is proof enough that something is happening.
Then the skies clear and you see someone else going through pain like that. And you soften in your heart because you have a sense of how that may feel. Pain sees pain. And empathy can slowly emerge. And there’s the transformation.
It’s hard to see that when the heavy hits. It can feel like a train slowly rubbing over you. Or imprisoning you. Or suffocating you. But it is possible to move through them. And that can lead to rewards. One moment of connection can melt pain into empathy. And all of that can lead you into the sunlight.
I don’t really have a lot of words right now.
But I do have a lot of feelings.
Happens that way sometimes.
I don’t know if I have any wisdom in me right now but I’m here. I’m feeling the kind of tired after you’ve pulled yourself thin. It’s a good tired.
Last night I woke up at 1 am and cried at the lake in the dark. I don’t that heaviness anymore. You feel and you process.
That’s all I’ve got for now. But I’m here.
Felt a little like a child today. The lake was rough so after work I went out and played in the waves. Looked at the sun and the birds.
Apparently Neptune is making things murky and dreamy for a few days. And it’s up against Mercury, who’s usually a super-fast talker. Maybe that’s why a client presentation I was dreading ended up being really short without any feedback. The client sounded like he was waking up from a sleeping pill. It was 9 am though. Makes sense.
Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to write and then these weird little paragraphs come out anyway. They feel good.
CBD is helping me sleep better and feel more like a normal person. Or at least less like a depressed person. Right now that feels like a godsend.
The parents were good today. We all took a walk and had breakfast outside, then they took a long dip in the lake together while I had a really long phone call with an old friend. The weather was just perfect. Grateful for all of that.
And in R-rated news, I’ve been getting periodic texts from someone who regularly likes to come over to my place and have sex in the afternoon during the workday. The first sign that my job might be too
much for me was when I disappeared for a while to fuck him and everyone freaked out. No one would have cared, or even checked in, at my old job.
When he comes over, it’s basically me going down on him *forever.* He talks dirty and makes these growling animal sounds while I do it. He never goes down on me. It just turns into intercourse and then we talk for a bit and then he leaves.
In my head I know it is all weird. It feels weird. He is weird. And I don’t want to be turned on by all this weirdness. But fuck it. I am. And then afterwards I just feel weird about myself for even remotely liking all this.
So that’s the central tension here. I don’t have to feel weird or even see him again. But then he texts and then I let him into my place and then it’s all happening again. And every time I feel just a little bit weirder. Slutty in a bad way.
So maybe that settles all of it. Just writing it out here. I don’t have to feel weird.
I often feel like such a sporadic ball of whims and thoughts and impulses. They zip and zag and sometimes make no sense. Sometimes I don’t even know who I am or what I want.
But you have friends. Who know what you’re like when you get close to them. They don’t think you’re weird or disparate. Just… maybe kind of moody. On occasion.
They see you and you make sense to them. They find the lovable parts that are harder for you to see.
So perhaps you feel like a big jangle of random things, but you’re actually a deeply lovable being. Maybe both of those are true.
Anyway that’s how I’m feeling right now.
This time of year feels intense. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It’s all just heightened. People are louder and they’re reactive. Things are busy.
And this city feels lonely even when you have friends. I never remember feeling this way in the last place where I lived. But there were more trees and green. Things tend to feel more urgent here.
It wasn’t lonely like this in my last city. But I wasn’t fully happy there either. I was trying to fit in and be a type of person that was hopelessly never going to happen. So I don’t do that anymore. That’s good.
I’ve gone to some crazy stuff to try and get out of the comfort zone and meet people. Where there are super candid conversations with strangers and people are yelling and writhing around and processing deep things. I’ve heard of cuddle parties with strangers and tantric workshops. And all of that sounds cool and fascinating. But I need something more low key sometimes to balance that out. Low meets high and finds balance. It doesn’t always have to be intense.
Today I was scrolling through new blog themes.
For a fresh look.
Because it’s spring.
But anxiety quickly spoiled the freshness.
And questions sprung up.
Do I take enough photos?
Is everyone a photographer now?
And also a hipster I guess?
What am I even doing on here?
Why am I wasting time?
Last year I wrote/produced a play and got a job and moved to a new city
And now I’m…
Stewing over blog themes.
Does this font make me look playful?
Hills and valleys and ebbs and flows and so on and so on amen it’s okay.