it’ll feel so good when you jump in

Veil thins and teal dye tempts.

Remind the world that you’re a mermaid.

 

The tease of dreaminess. 

Lose yourself but be careful.

 

On dates with her, adventure tends to bubble.

The coffeeshop is closed but we sneak in anyway.

There’s an event.

They give us free drinks

As if we signed up for any of this.

 

Or we’re in a bar that doubles as an old-world wax museum.

She takes pictures of me but the backgrounds are grotesque.

The bartender apologizes for something and she compliments his apron.

He blurts out that we’re both sexy.

I laugh but mostly I just feel dizzy.

 

I get anxious over lonely nightmares and dreams coming true.

I’m not always sure what my dreams even are.

 

A tidal wave of iridescent bliss hits my imagination

And I worry that I’ll miss it

Or not take correct advantage of it.

 

The mermaid sees the wave and dives into it.

Without fear, without thought

Just warm water and sunlight

Moving her body as it was always meant to move

Pleasure without overthink.

 

If you let yourself get swept up

You will not drown

As long as you remember to breathe.

tender and she throbs

After I fell, I hid the bruise underneath my dress.

Didn’t want to be a bother. Didn’t want to ruin anyone’s time.

She began as faint blue speckles. I thought maybe that would be all of it.

But she grew and her color deepened. Darkened into a violet-black galaxy. She stretched herself across the entire right side of my leg. I found her beautiful but I think she scared people. So I wore leggings.

She is tender and she throbs. Apparently blood can move down from the original injury to places that weren’t even hurt, and make them bruise too. The way the body expresses pain. Color like paint and then healing.

A reminder of just how sweetly, achingly soft you are. But also that you are able to stand after chaos. Somehow.

by the water

You shimmer in front of me, movement and stillness.

It has been a while since I saw you.

You are so beautiful but I needed time away.

Soft silver, calm under the light.

You had become my church.

I could visit and you would hear my sadness.

Things had gotten so heavy

And you helped me survive.

It feels so good to be silent again with you.

what if

what if

you really are so close

an actual breath away

from finding and getting exactly what you want?

fear, pain, shame make you feel

like you are stumbling lost in the dark

but the truth is

if you reach out

take one more step

you’ll bump face-first

into that treasure

that love

that softness

with its own sweet humiliations

and its ability to truly see you.

snapping 

In the chaotic loud and speed I close the door and have words with you that evaporate. I don’t know if I even remember your name but we build a world that only fits us. You tell me I’m safe here and I believe it. You say my face drives you wild. Continues to drive you wild. Words that induce shivering.

I only hear from you while you are at work. I do not know what the rest of your life is like. I could be the secret that your girl or boyfriend or twenty others don’t know about. Sometimes you disappear. Sometimes I do. When this first started and you wanted to be rough and I was heavy with world shit and crying and I couldn’t do it. But you didn’t get angry. And when I came back the scene became your shower. Your arms. Warmth and water and touch. And then acting like animals.

Keep your hands behind you and watch me while I get clean. Rest your head and your body against me.

Come into my office and close the door. Start your own pleasure while I watch you and get jealous. Fingers on skin. Hand on neck. But be quiet and don’t stop. You’re not allowed to stop. Not until you’ve come.

I was sunburnt and I took a bath. You said take me with you. Show me where you want to feel better and I’ll take care of you. I sank into water and thought about your hands and mouth working all over my body. Soft. And then working on that isolated knot in the center, with your tongue and breath. In one warm blast the tension erased itself. You did all the work but really it was me. At least this time.

Sometimes like now you disappear. But your arms and words and warmth and sad eyes are still in my head. Maybe I’m my own lover.