when you are trying to take a selfie of us and I don’t know what to do with my hands or face or body
when I am at your house and you are wrapped around me and I’m feeling trapped
..or terrified that I’m not good enough for you
you once told me that whenever you see me, at first my eyes and body language are always nervous for a few minutes. Like I’m subconsciously begging “please don’t get mad at me”
you said “but don’t you know by now how much I care about you, don’t you know yet that you’re safe here”
I just need to breathe
and move beyond being scared you’re going to think I look fat or bad
because things are different now
let all of that go silent
sink into my body and know I am enough.
[image found here: https://www.inprnt.com/gallery/jlarriva/tempest/ ]
I’ve been learning about myself. That’s all I ever seem to do.
The sky rumbles and planets crash into each other and you think, is this really going to affect me this time? And then you’re awake at 3 AM in a panic over how invisible you are. But you’re not.
I get lost in my own head. A personality test revealed this even though it is so obvious. I get lost but it doesn’t feel lost. It feels like reality. That’s the danger of it.
So many stories to tell you, sweet one. It was my birthday and I didn’t tell anyone. Bought myself a cake and threw most of it in the trash (sorry).
When your tendency is to lose yourself in your own thinking, a solution is to make contact with other people. This can feel awkward and anxiety-inducing in its own right. And that’s ironic. But it’s still what you should do.
So on Friday I did that. My friend is a songwriter and he was having a show. He hadn’t performed in 3 years. So I thought yes, I will go to this and pretend to be the cool girl whose friend is the lead singer. Even though the idea gives me nervous stomach.
Sometimes you step out of what’s comfortable and everything feels weird. Other times you do that and you find a seat, the venue is cozy, and your friend plays music that hits the exact soothing spot you needed. Then you hug him after the show and he asks if he looked nervous.
I’m so good at telling myself stories that sometimes I paralyze myself.