When I was in Hawaii I bought a little golden ring with a turtle on it. I wanted to have a symbol to carry with me and remember how magical that place is.
I’ve been back in the city for about 3 weeks, and I’ve been wearing my ring on dates – not really thinking anything of it until I find myself in… a compromising position.
Even though it spends most of its time in a box, let’s just say that turtle has witnessed some stuff.
“Oh my, never seen this person before. He looks… angry?”
“Why do they look like they want to eat you?”
“You’re squishing me.”
“Is he… is that… well and now we are tied to a bed.”
“Oh he seems like a nice boy. Aw you’re having some ramen and laughing, that’s nice too. Wow what a nice apartment. Oh that’s…. Oh. Oh my.”
“There’s a mirror by his bed! I can see myself! I can also see……. Oh my!”
My gut reaction is to apologize to this turtle. But that feels like I am slut shaming myself. Also this turtle is an inanimate object.
And also, maybe this turtle is having fun! Maybe it’s like being on a rollercoaster! People scream in a fun way on those too.
I just landed in paradise and I feel like an idiot.
20 minutes after a 10 hour flight, I am talking to an incredibly confused customer service person and then buying another plane ticket. And I don’t even care. I just want the interaction to end and I feel so stupid I could die.
This is how I felt the last time I left Hawaii too. That time, I hadn’t brought the right credit card and I was not used to staying in fancy hotels. So I didn’t know that I couldn’t just “find a way to make it work.” Cut to me telling a concierge that I don’t have enough money to pay for my stay at the nicest hotel I’ve ever set foot in. That was fun.
Cut to 5 minutes later, me crying in a lovely courtyard garden and trying to figure out how to get into a lyft without anyone seeing me. I can safely say that this was one of the worst moments of my life up until that point. It was 2019 after all.
And here I am sitting at the airport in paradise, telling you about a horribly embarrassing thing that happened to me 2 years ago.
Well you know what I’m back now. And a fucking pigeon just flew in front of me. Hawaii has pigeons. Because New Yorkers probably brought them with us because we are gross.
I’m back. I made it back here after a freaking pandemic. I’m going to stare that horrible embarrassment and feel it and deal with it. And then I’m going to move on with my life.
Maybe after all that I can sit in the sun on a beach and not feel bad. Maybe I can even (gasp) relax.