I wrote a very horned-up post last night. But underneath that energy was a wild undercurrent of anxiety.
Last night was so weird. I don’t even have appropriate astrology to pin it on.
K was on a date-type thing with someone she hadn’t seen in a long time. In my gut I knew it was going to be weird, that she was going to feel weird (spoiler: she did). She’s super intense with her attention so I also knew she probably wasn’t going to text like she usually does.
Logically, I knew all that. But then it was midnight and I hadn’t heard anything from her. So all my insides lit up like they were on fire. Sleep kind of became impossible.
I read some erotica because I thought it would distract me. All it did was make me feel even more on-fire. Of course.
So I texted a sometimes-lover to tell him about it. He responded by insisting that he come over—NOW. Yes, I’d stoked his fire by talking about princesses turning into slave girls. But the sudden intensity of his blaze still startled me.
He did not come over. It was midnight and I needed sleep or else I’d be worthless.
But K never texted so I did not sleep well, which meant I was still worthless.
Eventually, of course, I did hear from her. She feels terrible and wants to come over, cuddle, care, all of those things she is so good at doing. But I am feeling a little crunchy. It will all be okay, but I need a minute to catch my breath, regain my footing.
Also I don’t really want her to see me cry and I will probably do that if I see her.
Good lord, humans are so complicated. But also extremely simple and primal and beautiful. Now off I go to wrap my big raw nerve of a body back up in a blanket.