queer guilt

I was supposed to have a date with a beautiful girl on Saturday and I just cancelled. I feel like a monster.

The same thing happened that has happened before. Swipe right, stunned by her photos and her hair and her face. Chat chat. Number exchange. Find out she is lonely/looking for something serious/monogamous. Realize she is getting excited about this date. Panic, cancel, block.

Monster.

Better to do that now though than to go along with it and hurt her later.

I have done that before too.

In my old city, I once had dinner with an extremely sexy lesbian. The conversation was so good and she was sweet and so pretty. Then on the night of our second date I sent a really long text about how I couldn’t do this. I remember clutching my own chest and wincing right before I sent it. As if I was giving myself a heart attack.

How do you go so quickly from an excellent first date to a humongous wall of panic and then a freak-out-and-cancel?

For me it happens right in between that excited glint in her eye, and that rising wall of dread over inevitably disappointing her. By not being “experienced” enough or committed enough, or being a selfish lover or too committed to my friends or I don’t know, any of the other weird accusations my ex-girlfriend threw to me at 3 am right before we broke up.

There’s a lot to unpack.

I’ve been hurt by women I dated, and I haven’t exactly faced all of that. If anything, I’ve run away and ignored what I’m feeling there. I’ve also doubted my own bisexuality in moments like this, and I know that self-erasure is really the last thing we need in an already biphobic society.

If I’m not queer, why do I keep getting myself into situations like this? Why do I keep getting crushes on women and swiping right on them?

Testing the waters of solo poly seemed like a good way to dive into this. This way it’s possible to enjoy women (and men and everyone, yay) and not crush feelings by not wanting an exclusive relationship.

Yes there’s still the unknown and that’s nerve wracking. But there doesn’t have to be so much overwhelming *expectation.* We can connect and find each other fascinating and enjoy what it’s like to touch each other, and even keep in regular contact afterwards. And that doesn’t mean we’re now married.

Anyway that’s where I am. It’s always better to just be honest. Turn that spotlight on your monster self and maybe see that it isn’t really so heinous.

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