whatever the opposite of horny is

I told him yes I’m a voyeur. That I like to watch. He took that to mean I like to send naked pictures. I was more thinking that I like to secretly watch people touch each other from my window across the street.

He asked for a photo and I sent one. Not naked. The stakes are so much higher with these things for me than they are for him. He sent me a ridiculous photo of him with a towel barely covering a set of abs. Instead of slobbering over them, I felt anxiety. As if I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to not find me attractive.

No that is not healthy but at least I’m recognizing it.

It was a few photos later when I realized he is not good at sexting and I wanted to stop talking. I had made myself anxious over seeking the approval of someone who wasn’t even turning me on.

It took me until I wrote that down just now to realize how weird it actually is.

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