ugh ugh ugh ugh

In the middle of a rather dramatic weekend. Took the train to see one of my best friends from college, W. The train was lovely- got to read and look out at water and fields and trees all while the sun set. Then met with her and went to a French film festival. 

Getting to that movie was its own comedy of errors. Random miscommunications that led to me having to get out and walk past a line of cars that were angrily queued up behind my friend. Then stand in line for tickets, but it was the wrong line, and then even after getting the tickets I had to go into *another* long line, which I was sassily redirected to by some weird-haired hipster girl when I tried to just walk in the theater. Everyone I had to talk to seemed SO rude and pretentious, and they weren’t even French. But we had pizza and a great long discussion and catch-up after all that.

Yesterday W’s 3-year-old son had a weird allergic reaction to something, which, naturally, freaked my friend out. He seemed fine once he konked out on Benadryl, but my friend looked up measles and mumps and all manner of horrific skin diseases. Thanks Internet.

Last night W and I were on our way to dinner and a movie. Another queue of cars angrily lined up behind her, and when she tried to change lanes she crashed directly into an oncoming car. So I had to talk her down from the ledge all night, trying to tell her she wasn’t a bad person or shitty driver, and she needed to stop telling herself that. But I can’t fix her anxiety, and trying to only left me feeling exhausted. 

When we got home the kids were WIRED from sleeping all day and I just wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear. I don’t want kids, I never have, and this kind of stuff validates that decision for me.

I’m leaving this afternoon. And I feel so relieved, and guilty.